Thankyou To Pauline Jackson

[jack colleton]

When we left Ireland it was because there was no place for us as we were unprepaired for society.The fact that we left means we are cut off . thankyou to Pauline Jackson for that home truth.

[pauline jackson]

Many of us have been totally isolated. in a world based on family life we have always been outside.The education we got was as underlings. to learn to stand up and take care in society meant unlearning all we had been taught. and then start learning how to socialise. The ones who stayed have in some cases totally rejected the ones who came back. rolling broken stones thats many of us . thank you very much for your reaction. its nice to feel i am not alone in feeling this.

[jack colleton]

The ones who stayed have in some cases totally rejected the ones who came back. know what you mean

 

 

[jack colleton]

it is hurtfull when visiting Ireland to do so as a tourist. no home.

[pauline jackson]

I think its something many of us share. in our time inside those instutitions familys moved on and our place no longer existed. So no where to go back to . no where to store our stuff when homelessness happens again.its life without a safety net .

[jack colleton]

nobody can be blamed for thinking they were prisoner of the state but even prisoners should be free from abuse.

[pauline jackson]

When i first saw this blog it was a complete surprise to me and I dident know what to say. but i am flattered of course. I am used to thinking of myself as not finished and uninteresting but its good to share . My sister did our family tree. But when we left ireland and met our mother well she had made a new life for herself. She had a new family which i had no idea about. a house with a boy and a girl who thought that we had been in a very good boarding school and thay were envous of our childhood. So it dident work out . apart from that she had taken to going to church. that was what made me leave as it was her priest who wanted me to go to mass. the very idea of being taken back to goldenbridge again was too scary. so i lost touch for most of my life and i cant deal with thier uneasyness if i mention my childhood in an instution. i have now been over to see my sister and her family' and i get on fine with her but all these years of waiting for this or that to happen has kept many of us apart. when i went to dublin the only women i met had been there in the 70ths. Thay were very uneasy about telling what it was like then. Also photos are being kept by some for some reason of thier own thay wont copy them so many of us dont have a photo to show to our kids. there never was any reason for us not to talk openly with each other. But thats what i found.We are in each others memories anyway so why make mysterys where there arent any. i dont want to try any more to find a place in my family now. Its too late and all of us are scared inside and out.also we live in different countrys. but i do miss the fact of being part of a family and country..

[jack colleton]

hello Pauline. please excuse delay in response. oh no you are very interesting and you have lots to share and people with shared experience recognize certain key words when they are expressed and heard or read! some survivors will draw a line and not revisit unless awakened to the need to do so perhaps the call is felt or heard and they respond then but many find painfull either way. yes i am cut off from certain people in Ireland and as to the reasons well it just all seems too convenient for the abusers. thankyou again Pauline because your words speak how i feel. they articulate how i feel. they remind me how i feel. yes i wonder about photos. i still dream i am at letter boxes in all the 'homes' i was in desperately looking for news or information before it is spirited away!  i am convinced that new members to this site can only benifit from joining and will feel so much better for sharing their opinion. we can all help each other in strange ways! i think Rob is doing a fantastic job here as well as great service for survivors and friends. i can not praise him highly enough and i am aware of his recent bereavement also his loved one's op. still he is here for us!  what do you mean by "not finished"?

 

 

 

 

[pauline jackson]

Well by not finished .I am talking of the effects of shocks.My time in golden bridge was in the fifties.There were times that being in there in the care of these nuns put me into a state in which i walked and worked weariing a helmet of gray cotten woll. this seems to have had the effect of causing the fear to come back whenever i panique. the small child standing against the wall watching the lay helper beat the shit out of a smaller child than i was then . this was before xs the famous manager took over as head nun .there was always fear everywhere we were 'so it became part of our way of reacting to situatiions. we did not learn the ways of life because the nuns were always thinking of after death. i was told every day about being a good catholic. and even then i would not be good enough for god so she was going to lock me up for the rest of my life to protect society. every step you take is a step towards hell. i was eight. how could we think of what we would do with ourselves once outside. I had to improvise' so it meant keeping quiet or taking the risk of being insulted as a fool.no one believes that some just dont know things. i am unfinished because i could not shake of some images and so it took time to grow up as i hadent had a childhood. its missing. and its left a gap.I did not feel equal to others in size and being alone without family well it makes us vulnerable.

[jack colleton]

hello Pauline. thankyou for explaining. yes i understand. the regime was fear and punishment. post traumatic stress. flashbacks. panic attacks. yes never today always another day. after life. yes a stolen childhood. i do understand. again you say how i feel. thankyou Pauline.

[pauline jackson]

ill be away for a few days. i am really pleased by the fact that my words fit.