joke

[Paul Nolan]

My missus rang earlier and said where the hell are you? I replied you know that jewellers where you saw those diamond earings you really liked,, yes she said in a softer tone. Well, i am in the pub opposite.

[Rob Northall]

Nice one Paul!!

[Rob Northall]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[Rob Northall]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole..

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still

clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

[Rob Northall]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
 
 While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
 opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

 So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
 
 After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
 ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
 
 Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Rob Northall]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into a lion's cage.

Suddenly the lion grabs her by the cuffs of her jacket and tries to pull her inside

to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.



The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose

with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker

brings her to her terrified parents, who thanks him endlessly.



A Guardian reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave

thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

 The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.

I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."



The reporter says, "Well, I'll sure this won't go unnoticed.

I'm a journalist from the Guardian, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this

story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation

do you have?"



The biker replies, I'm SAS and a Conservative.

The following morning the biker buys The Guardian to see if it indeed brings news

of his actions, and reads, on the front page;



SAS THUG ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[Rob Northall]

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to
describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
H, I, J, K

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....

What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen...